Feeling

I was always confused with this word. One word is responsible for all the complications in the world. When Love, Lust, Jealousy, Anger, Hate, Care, Passion ……..stay in one room then surely that room will always be on fire. Extreme of any one of the feeling can burn human so badly that to trace back the person will be difficult. You might say but feeling love, care (Any positive feelings) for someone to the extreme is not bad. On the contrary I will say it is more destructive than nurturing extreme of any negative feelings in side you. Extremely positive feelings are like slow poison for us, it attacks our moral so steadily that we never blame it on those feelings. Impact or affect are extremely slow and society reaction is always mild. Whereas extreme negative feelings are fast and everyone knows whom to blame for our destruction. Confused? Well you don’t have to. Let me try to give you example. Let’s say I am in love with someone. When it started it was slow, I enjoyed the experience in being in love, had fun exploring all the colors in rainbow but as my feeling of love grows I started changing internally. Love made me become extremely possessive, love brought tremendous insecurities and when possessiveness and insecurities make your body their home then you be sure that you will indulge yourself in all the matters which are extremely bad for you. Since I became insecure I started doubting every incidence, insecurity made me illogical (though I feel love makes you illogical too) and impractical. I started acting life as a life guard whereas what all I needed was to be hippie. The more love grows the more I kill myself (by this I mean my individuality). A very decent person can turn into monster if he loves somebody to the extreme. Now the other person might reciprocate his feeling or might not. In both the cases persons turning monster is sure. That’s why I said word “Feeling” confuse me. One needs to decide how they will handle “Feeling” which are developing inside them. Be aware if you let them loose they will take you under their control and if this happens you can be sure of your downfall.

Verdict: Feel every single thing happening inside you but don’t over feel it. Just the way balance diet can keep your body healthy balance feelings can keep your soul happy.

Unsolved Questions?

I was sitting and lazing around when suddenly a question popped up in my mind. What does one get in being one sided love? Surely he/she can’t get love back. Then what is it? Is it being in love which makes them continue with the feeling or is it just that they are scared to explore any further? And more important is it possible to get into relationship where both have same feeling for each other and for how long? Feeling might change for each other then what will happen? I know I should not be talking about love but mind is mind it might want to explore untouched territory. Well I am not sure about love or feelings. But as I have mentioned in one of my earlier blog there is nothing wrong in being in one sided love if you are feeling happiness. That’s correct but what are the chances of you feeling happiness all the time? Won’t you feel frustrated or irritated after some time? We are humans we are bound to expect. So don’t you think one day your soul will ask for returns? So even if being in such relationship is taking you to peak of happiness but standing at that peak @ lifetime is not possible without being with someone. How long can you last with ZERO expectations? We being such a normal human being we do nurture expectations in our mind and heart. These are some of the unanswered questions in my mind. I will need to think a lot on this so that I come to conclusion.

Verdict: Thinking ………………………………

Exit - 2009, Enter - 2010

When everyone was busy welcoming 2010 my mind was busy processing different thoughts, which refused to exit from my small brain. I had no option but to sit and process each thought systematically and that’s exactly what I did. I was totally taken by my capability to think and subject of my thoughts. I think everyone needs to go through this painful exercise. At least at the end it satisfies you. Well I am happy that I spent my 31st alone at home thinking about self, my priorities, marriage, career, my happiness and my dreams. Trust me I was always running away from these entities. Why? Cause I was shit scared to face them. Cause I knew I didn’t do anything for them, I buried myself so deep into the daily routine and mundane stuff that I completely ignored these entities which are responsible for building my life and my character and are responsible for my individuality (I think individuality is highly overrated point for argument). As predicted, I couldn’t stand straight in front of these so called important entities. I fucked up my life big time. To accept how wrong decisions you took in life needs courage. But I can say that in front of any number of people. Yes I did lot of mistakes, yes I ignored my happiness for some time, yes I fucked up my career, yes I was totally screwed up in financial matter and yes I am still not married (When whole batch of mine is living married life). What I realized when I was going through these entities one –by-one was it is really not important how you took care of these entities or what you did what matters is whether you tried to improve them, whether you gave some time in couple of months. What is important is yourself. I don’t think I ever sat down and thought what is that I want. Yes back off mind plan of shaping your life exist no doubt but unfortunately till we die it remain @ back off mind. This is what killed me on31st. I don’t want to die dreaming about good life. I want to do something to achieve it. And here is snapshot of what I did

1. I jotted down my priorities for 1 year (I believe in short term plan)
2. I noted what makes me happy
3. I noted what I want to do in 1 year

And last but not the least and definitely the most important thing I did was to
4. Note down how good or bad I did in year 2009

Trust me first 3 points gave me crystal clear picture of year 2010 and 4th point made me feel good cause I thought my year 2009 was really bad but no it was not at least when I compared good and bad things it looked pretty impressive. I am going to put down my good (feel happy) points here and will spare bad moments/incidents

1. Did really well in project. Client was very happy (seriously for me work gives immense sense of happiness)
2. Spent some amazing time with my nephew Reeshan (I felt bad that I couldn’t do same thing with my sis’s kids)
3. Visited New York (Finally!!! And NYC I will come again) and Washington DC.
4. Spent time with my ex-colleagues and friends who are staying outside India (so I don’t get to meet them often. Btw I was meeting them after 5 years)
5. Met lot of good people and some became close. Would like to name and write about especially 2 people Makrand and Snehal.
a. Makrand – Spent some fun time with him. He is stupid but is very nice human being. He needs to grow up though.

b.Snehal – Very dedicated, passionate and honest person. Had amazing time talking to him and even working with him (will tell later what we were working on). Hope

he achieves whatever he wants (now this is a problem he can keep changing his

wanted list ;))

6. Got associated with 30 Dollar Finance (www.30df.org). An initiative started by Snehal to remove poverty based on microfinance concept. Though I didn’t work much on this but whatever I did I had fun and I am glad to be associated with it. I would like to thank Snehal for pulling me into this (problem is he doesn’t pay me for that ;))
7. Drove bike again (excuse me it was CBZ and not kinetic). Man it was amazing. I love bikes!!!! (even if it was only 1st gear)

8. Realized I didn’t forget to drive manual car.
9. Spent my b’day with people who’s contribution in my life is huge
10. Last but not the least bid adieu to year 2009 with people who matter to me the most and by re-inventing myself

And yes I did start 2010 with bang!!! (actually in negative sense :)). Remember in my post “Chapter From Life” I said “If any turn in your life seems to be worst at the start chances are it will end up being the best turn” so here I am hoping and working to make my bad incidence AWESOME and I am not going to give up on that. I wont lie I did feel bad about the incidence. Common yaar I am a girl I have right to feel bad about stupid things (some who will come to know about the incidence might disagree about incident being stupid)

Verdict: Enjoy year 2010. It’s gonna be amazing trust me. Keep your tensions aside and give chance to life (oops that’s the name of one of my poems)

"Love is feeling and Relationship is Bond"

This is by far the most awesome statement I ever made